


Unspoken Words

by tarjas_reign



Category: Nightwish, Tarja Turunen - Fandom
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-13
Updated: 2015-11-13
Packaged: 2018-05-01 11:16:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5203769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tarjas_reign/pseuds/tarjas_reign
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One year has passed since Tarja was kicked out of the band. When one of her former friends calls her to deliver horrible news, she realizes the power of unspoken words.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unspoken Words

When her phone rang, Tarja was snapped out of her thoughts roughly. The whole day she had been sitting on the couch in her apartment, starring at a point somewhere on the wall. When she had woken up in the morning she had already known which date it was, and the memories of the events one year ago had weighed heavily on her. Exactly one year ago she had been kicked out of Nightwish, betrayed and abandoned by her friends. The thoughts about that last concert and the morning when she had read the letter were still painful and she kept asking herself what she had done wrong to be fired like that; because the mentioned accusations in the letter couldn't have been the only reason.  
Almost thankful for the distraction Tarja now went to answer the phone. She didn't recognize the number at first but answered the call anyway. "Turunen?" For a moment the line was silent and she already wanted to hang up again, when a familiar voice started to talk. "Tarja? You... you have to come here... please..." Tarja frowned confused. "Emppu? Why are you calling me?", she then asked and sounded more rude than she had intended to. "Tarja please, you have to listen", Emppu pleaded; his voice was shaking and he sounded like he was having a terrible cold. Tarja still had no idea why he would call her. They hadn't been in contact for a year and she hadn’t expected to talk to anyone from the band ever again. But Emppu sounded serious. "Are you okay?", she asked, a bit worried when a suppressed sob reached her ear. "Tarja... something happened...", he whispered and sobbed again. Tarja felt her heart beating faster and her worries increased. "What is it Emppu? Tell me!" Emppu remained silent for a moment and Tarja got even more nervous. Then he finally talked. "It's Tuomas. He..." Emppu paused again and Tarja wasn't sure if she even wanted to hear the rest of the sentence anymore. What if something serious had happened to Tuomas? She didn't even want to confess it to herself but the keyboarder still meant a lot to her and he was the one she had missed the most during the last year. She heard Emppu swallowing and taking a deep breath. "Tarja... we just found him... he killed himself."  
Tarja's hand flew to her mouth to prevent herself from screaming. She could hear her heartbeat loudly and tears welled up in her eyes. "He what...!?", she whispered, unwilling to accept the news Emppu had just delivered to her. "Tarja, please come. We're all in his apartment." Tarja nodded slowly, while the tears ran over her face silently. "I'm on my way." 

When she arrived at Tuomas' apartment, Tarja had managed to calm down a little bit. She took a deep breath before she rang the doorbell. Within a few seconds the door was opened by Marco who looked at her sadly. "Tarja... Thanks for coming." He seemed unsure how to welcome her after all that time but Tarja didn't hesitate long and hugged him shortly. This wasn't the moment to be angry at anyone; nothing that had happened between her and the other band members felt really important to her right now. "What happened?", she asked while letting go of Marco again. He looked at the ground and shrugged. "We have some speculations, but nothing specific. We wanted to check on him because he hadn't answered our calls... but he didn't open the door so we got a key from the neighbors. And then..." He seemed unable to continue but Tarja could imagine the rest. She bit her lip and took a few steps forward, slowly approaching the living room. She could hear people talking but didn't dare to enter at first since she had no idea what she would be confronted with inside. But then Marco, who had followed her, opened the door carefully and they both stepped into the room.  
Emppu and Jukka, who had talked to each other quietly, fell silent as Tarja entered. They both mumbled a short greeting towards her, but she didn't even hear it. Her whole attention was paid to the third person in the middle of the room. Tuomas' motionless body lay on the ground, his eyes were closed and Tarja would have said he was sleeping, if she hadn’t seen his blood covered wrist and the stained knife on the floor. Bursting into tears Tarja kneeled down next to him and took his lifeless hand into her own. "Tuomas...", she whispered desperately, unable to look away from his peaceful face and the wound on his arm. "Please wake up..." The childish words had come over her lips before she could hold them back; Tuomas wouldn't wake up and she knew that. Though she just couldn't accept it yet; the shock and the pain were too deep.  
Tarja sat next to Tuomas for a while, crying silently and she had almost forgotten about the other guys, when Emppu started talking. "Tarja? We... we found something next to... Tuomas." Tarja looked up even though she wasn't really interested in Emppu's story. Whatever they had found wouldn't change the fact that Tuomas was dead and so she didn't care about it. But she didn't want to be rude and asked Emppu about it anyway. "What did you find?" Emppu crossed the room to Tuomas' desk and reached for an envelope which was laying on it. "It has your name on it, so I think he wanted you to read it.", he said and gave the envelope to Tarja. Painfully reminded of another letter she had received exactly one year ago, Tarja took the envelope from Emppu's hand. He had been right: Her name was written on it in Tuomas' handwriting. "Is this... a suicide letter...?", she asked, her voice was shaking and tears were still streaming down her face. Emppu shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe you should just read it..." Tarja nodded slowly and opened the envelope carefully with her trembling hands. "We'll leave you alone with him for some time, okay?", Marco suggested and when Tarja nodded he left the room with the others.  
Still crying, Tarja pulled the letter out of the envelope, unfolded it and started reading. 

 

_21\. October 2006_

_Dear Tarja,_  
I hope that after reading this letter you will understand what led me to my decision. I know that this probably comes as a shock, but I just can't think of another option anymore.  
First of all I need to say sorry for everything that happened. I know how much I hurt you and it tore me apart to see you suffering like that. I hate the decision I made a year ago and, believe me, there is not a single day on which I don't regret it. I honestly thought that everything would change for the better after letting you go but it didn't, and now I see how selfish I've been. I can't expect your forgiveness... as long as I can't even forgive myself. One year ago I didn't just lose my dearest friend - I lost so much more Tarja, more than you ever knew. And then I realized that I would never see you again, that I would never get you back and that knowledge slowly killed me from inside.  
The last year was the worst in my life; there is so much guilt, so much pain and so many things that I want to change but I can't. Though I shouldn't be complaining - It's me, who caused all this damage... not only to me but also to you and for that I am more sorry than I could ever tell you.  
Tarja, when we met for the very first time I fell in love with you instantly. And these feelings never changed - they got stronger with every day but I was never able to tell you the truth. I knew that you didn't feel the same for me and when you started dating Marcelo I gave up on you completely. Nevertheless, I never stopped loving you which was more painful than everything I've ever experienced. I had to see you two being so happy together and it broke my heart. There were many times when I just wanted to tell you about everything but I couldn't; I was too afraid to destroy the friendship that still connected us and it wouldn't have changed your feelings anyway. So I kept my love secret and tried to deal with my emotions in the songs I wrote for you. On some days the music was everything that kept me alive, it gave me strength. And then, one day you came to the studio with 'good news'. Suddenly I had so much hope, I could never forget the smile on your face in that moment because you made me forget all my pain for a few seconds. ...Till you told us your news. I remember it as if it was yesterday and your words hurt more than any physical pain ever could. "Marcelo asked me to become his wife."  
That was the night when I caught myself having serious suicidal thoughts for the very first time. I knew I should have expected it to happen sooner or later, but I didn't; or maybe I did and just pushed the thought away in a desperate attempt to hide from the truth.  
Within the following weeks I tried to get used to the fact that you would marry Marcelo, get used to the engagement ring on your hand and the deep sadness I felt. But I couldn't. I was hunted by my own dark thoughts and I think if you look at my songs, you will find the hopelessness there... Because that was my only way to deal with it. Losing faith and love is bearable, losing hope is the end of everything.*  
The day of your wedding was one of the worst in my life. You stood in front of the altar, marrying another man and pronouncing that you'd spend the rest of your life with him. That was the moment when I finally realized that you were forever gone and that there was no chance that you would ever love me back.  
I don't really remember much of the party afterwards. The only thing I know is that I tried to drown my feelings with way too much alcohol and a few hours later I found myself standing on that bridge looking down on the rushing river... I felt so empty in that moment and couldn't stop playing with these thoughts - of just jumping down there and disappearing. In that night I was so close to leave everything behind and I embraced that thought more than ever. So, what held me back? You. One the one hand you were the reason why I was standing there in the first place, but on the other hand I couldn't bear the thought never to see you again. I needed to look at your beautiful smile, to hear your voice at least one more time and that's how you indirectly saved my life... back then. But that was temporary and after the wedding my thoughts stayed more or less the same. And then, in the following two years something sad happened. Somehow you seemed to distance yourself from me and the band. Retrospectively, I think that I overacted a bit on that, but when you started to spend more time with your husband and less time with us I got quite jealous. I felt so neglected and... replaced. I know this wasn't fair; of course he was the most important person in your life now but I still was unable to accept it... Because I wanted to be that person. I wanted to be the one who sat next to you on the plane, I wanted to be the one who you'd turn to with your problems, I wanted to be the one who was there for you whatever happened and who would kiss your tears away if you cried. I wanted to be the one who would stay by your side for the rest of your life and who'd carry you through the hardest times. Though you had chosen Marcelo to be that person, and I had to live with it.  
But then my condition got worse and worse, I had suicide thoughts almost every day but at the same time I loved you so much and couldn't endure the thought of leaving you behind. You meant everything to me and to be on stage with you was wonderful and painful at once. I couldn't imagine my life without you and tried to stay strong; I tried to let go of you, to stop loving you but it was impossible. And eventually my love destroyed me, took my strength away until there was nothing left but pain and despair.  
One night Emppu found me in my apartment, crying and depressed. I don't even know how it happened but somehow my arm was bleeding and Emppu found a knife on the floor. And that was when he forced me to tell him the truth. The other guys had always suspected that I had feelings for you, but no one had ever known it for sure. But that night I finally talked to somebody, and I felt so relieved after I had told Emppu everything. But then he said something I really didn't want to hear, even though I knew he was right. He said that I had only to choices: To tell you the truth, or to move on - without you. Hearing these words was painful, especially because I knew that I would never be able to tell you what I felt. I finally had to let you go - In literally.  
Emppu tried to convince me to talk to you in person but I just couldn't. The thought of kicking you out of the band was already so painful and I never would have been able to say it to you personally. I know this was selfish and you would have deserved to know the truth... I'm sorry Tarja, I'm so sorry for everything that happened last year and for how it happened. I can't describe how much I hated myself during our last tour together. Giving all these interviews and talking about the future of the band, while I knew that all of that would happen without you - and the whole time you had no idea. It broke my heart to hear you talking about your future plans with Nightwish and there were uncountable times that I doubted whether I had made the right decision. One of those moments was in the middle of our last concert. That night was the first time that I completely realized what was going to happen and that I wouldn't just kick you out of the band - but out of my life. I realized that this was the last time I'd ever be on stage with you and hear you singing my songs; it was too much and when we started with Ever Dream my pain just overwhelmed me. I didn't care that everyone would see me cry, I didn't care about anything in that moment. I just desperately wanted it to stop: Everything; my pain, my love... my life.  
But we made it through the concert. And then we stood on the stage and bowed to the cheering audience who had no idea that this had been the last time that they'd see you performing live with us, and I became aware of how many people I actually was about to disappoint. They would all hate me for kicking you out because they loved you, but I didn't even care about it. I didn't care that a million people all over the world would hate me after this night - because you would hate me as well. And that thought felt so much worse.  
Tarja, you know what happened then... we went backstage, hugged each other, and I knew that it would be the last time. Everyone knew it - except you. You kept smiling and the certainty that you would never smile at me again after that night felt like a knife stab right through my heart. Every part of me refused to give you the letter; I didn't want to lose you, didn't want to hurt you. All I wanted was to say how much I loved you, but I remained silent. I wanted you to understand why I had to do it but I couldn't tell you. Somewhere deep inside I knew that I couldn't go on like that, that I had to let go of you and that's what I did. We gave you the letter and watched you leaving... and that was the last time I saw you.  
After you were gone I felt worse than ever. I can't remember if there has been even a single night in the last year when I didn't cry myself into sleep.  
In the beginning there used to be days that I thought I was okay, or at least that I was going to be. But I wasn't.  
When I watched the press conference in which you talked about your separation of the band I felt so guilty and I think I've never hated myself as much as in that moment. When you cried, I cried with you. I can't describe the pain I felt while I watched the tears running over your face and I wanted to kiss them away, wanted to comfort you and to tell you the truth, but it was too late. I had kicked you out in one of the cruelest ways possible, and I couldn't make it undone.  
Days became weeks and then months - but nothing changed. I was stuck in my depression and couldn't find a way out... until now.  
It has been one year Tarja. One year without you and I know that nothing will ever change. I don't want to live without you - I can't! You were my reason to live when you were still around, you gave sense into my life and kept me going. But by letting you go I lost that sense, I lost the last thing which it's worth to live for. Yes, the thought of you has always been painful over the last years but at the same time there was nothing in the world that could make me as happy as your smile, your voice or simply your presence. A part of me died when I lost you, Tarja... this is just a formality. 

_I hope you understand now that I never intended to hurt you. I just tried to get control over my life - and failed. However, I didn't tell you all of this to justify my actions; there is no excuse for the way I hurt you and I know that. But maybe one day you will be able to forgive me._  
You will stay in my heart, Tarja - now and forever.  
I love you. 

_Tuomas_

 

With shaking hands Tarja dropped the letter. Her heart was pounding heavily and tears were running over her face like a silent river. Finally she knew the truth and it was more painful than anything else. Tuomas had loved her; and he had killed himself because she hadn’t loved him back - at least he had thought that. _It's all my fault_ , she thought, _if only I had told him..._ But it was too late. The man she loved was gone, killed by his seemingly unrequited love. Tarja touched his hand tenderly while her tears fell on the letter on the ground and made the ink smear on the paper. "I am so sorry.", she whispered, thinking of everything that could have happened if she had had the courage to tell him about her feelings for him. But she had been sure that he didn't feel the same and so she had pushed her love away, had forced herself to love someone else and had pretended to be over Tuomas. But she wasn't. She still loved him and the thought that he had loved her too hurt more than she could endure. They could have been happy, could have spent their lives together; it could have been Tuomas standing next to her at the altar, Tuomas holding her in his arms at night, but it was too late. He had left and all that remained was a deep pain, worse than everything she knew.  
Tarja let go of his hand, suddenly knowing what she needed to do. The pain was too strong, broke her heart and she couldn't bear the desperation and guilt she felt.  
"I love you, Tuomas", she whispered, bowed down and breathed a soft kiss on his cold lips. Then she reached for the bloodstained knife next to him and cut through the strings that kept her alive, ready to follow her loved one to another place where all her pain would finally be over. 

\-----------------  
*Quote by Tuomas


End file.
